This episode begins with me wondering who the hell Mike is… your husband’s name is “The Miz”, Maryse. Keep it together. Mike Miz has been somewhere, living his life, and Maryse misses him. Maryse and Eva, who are now best friends I guess, decide that they’ll do a sexy photoshoot for their husbands (#justlittlegirlythings). This is the most likeable I’ve ever found Eva Marie, she’s actually funny a few times.
Maryse: I don’t remember ever wearing a bathing suit with padding.
Eva Marie: That’s because you have fake boobs.
Maryse: Thank you.
Eva Marie: You’re welcome.
This would almost be a delightfully humorous little plotline, but hey, do you guys remember when we tried to give Eva Marie an arc related to eating disorders and body dysmorphia? I do, so how cool is it that now we’re showing Maryse going five days without eating solid food? And Eva is joining in on body wraps and various torture devices? As funny as I find people overdramatically yelling in pain (no joke) when they’re gonna be fine, I could’ve done without body dysmorphia and disordered thinking as a hangry joke. That being said, not like the WWE to miss a sponsorship opportunity. Just one Snickers, fam.
Brie Bella isn’t missing her husband. She’s traveling with him! She’s worried Bryan will be upset that she used a water bottle because they’re never not on brand. Brie is newly retired, isn’t pregnant yet, and so she’s here to watch Bryan jump rope and presumably braid hemp later.
Dean and Renee, who this week were revealed to be secret married because fans CANNOT MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS AND RESPECT ANYONE, are taking a vacation that Renee has been desperate for for three years. Did you guys know Lake Tahoe was in California? I didn’t, but now I do. I stay learning. Blue, my favorite Diva and the only dog in this episode, is adorable, and Renee is desperate for a little romance. Renee calls Nikki to talk about how beautiful Lake Tahoe is and to talk about wanting to get laid in a more romantic way. They then proceed to have the most relatable conversation about getting sexy in a way that looks like you’re being lazy so you can artfully and femininely get some. Truly heroes. Renee never gets to put on her cute shorts because Dean ordered a pizza, HER FAVORITE PIZZA, and Renee is frustrated about this, but fam, ain’t that the dream? She finally concedes with, “You did, like… get Hawaiian…”
There’s still at least ONE woman dealing with wrestling this week, the Amazing Naomi. It was cool to learn that her journey to this #FeelTheGlow gimmick has been evolving for two or three years and it was wonderful to hear her speak candidly about finally being on her own, rather than in a tag-valet, or various stables or background angles, and about being nervous about it.
The show gives a peak at Alexa and Carmella, as other notable Smackdown talent. As I said last week, I love this. I love the idea of non wrestling watchers tuning in because a woman not on Total Divas appeals to them aesthetically or just from looking tough as hell. Mark Carrano serves as the world’s best stepdad, per usual, but also gives us a look at what goes into debuting a new entrance or gimmick. It’s finally approved, but now they have to run a full entrance, with cameras and all, just as they would for TV, so that tech is set up and so Creative and management see the whole picture. More important than tech or wrestling or anything… Carrano is so supportive and comforting. HE’S SO GOOD.
Nikki Bella, in the world’s greatest outfit, is unable to save a conference call that she’s managed to be on stuck in traffic because Brie is a no-show. Apparently there’s no wi-fi in the entire hotel, presumably because Bryan only stays on hotels made of bamboo or whatever. Nikki can’t find her at all and when she finally does Brie shuts her down and won’t talk about it. Sisters, guys. Sisters.
Maryse and Eva Marie are still trying to do this beach photoshoot, now declared Baywatch themed, and Maryse is beyond EXTRA. They’re now spending $3500, with a discount, and Eva is ready to run (“This is becoming not fun”). Maryse, who still has not eaten anything but juice, is losing her mind on all crew involved, which is a lot of crew for trying to arouse a man, and Eva snaps. There’s a moment of tension, of thinking maybe Eva Marie will truly never have a friend in the world, only her terrible family and basic husbandger, but then they just go eat a cheeseburger and everything is fine (“I apologize… for being a bitch.”) So remember, guys, purging is okay as long as you eat something just before you get bitchy.
Renee takes Dean shopping and then to a fancy restaurant. It’s like one of those videos where a human puts their arms in the coat so it looks like the dog is eating the spaghetti. Which is to say, it’s pretty cute, but also I wonder how confused the dog is, is he okay? Dean is on brand embarrassing (“They got Mad Dog?”). Renee realizes how uncomfortable he is and so they return to their true selves and go to a dive bar, where Renee realizes that real love is sharing a plate.
Naomi is nervous, Carrano is a great dad (“Are we doing the entrance tonight? Costume ready to go? …all the baloney you’ve been dealing with all these years…”), and, of course, her entrance is cleared and she gets a big pop when she premieres it on Smackdown Live.
In an adorable office, Nikki explains to Brie that she can’t just be lost and following her husband. Her business ventures, her life, has to go on, even when Bryan is at TV and she’s not pregnant yet, “You can’t just give up your career to be a good wife.” It’s pretty rare that Total Divas shows any real misgivings in the Braniel marriage. It was nice to see a little more Brie vulnerability and even nicer to see it all work out.
All in all, a well produced episode, but I get pretty sad when Total Divas is even less about wrestling.
Stepdad Carrano: I’m not crying, you are
Dean of the Week: “I had a young man on a bicycle deliver your favorite meal.”
Sarcastic Falling Asleep: Alive and Well
Rating: 3 / 5, and 2 of that is Dean Ambrose
Next Week: Paige cries in traffic