Welcome to this week’s Total Divas! Fun drinking game: take a shot every time someone thinks the brand extension will destroy true love, finish your drink every time someone says “my man.”
(Do not do that, you are not Keith Richards)
Lana’s wedding continues to be annoying for everyone around her and especially for the viewer. Is she likable to people? Nattie is dying inside because of Lana. Her texts are soooo extra. “How does Rusev deal? She must be great in bed,” Nattie says to Summer Rae, which leaves me wondering when Nattie finally sleep with a woman and become alive inside. Between dress shopping and cake tasting, Lana hates everything in the world, which is strange, because she has 75 themes she can choose from. She’s very whiny, ungrateful, and helpless. The most impressive thing this story had to offer us was to confirm that Maryse is Regina George in real life, Lvl 80 Mean Girl Wizards. She seems beyond team Lana extravagance, but when Lana leaves the room her head is spinning faster than Nattie’s. Maryse tells Nattie she should bold-faced bail, and I think everyone has to agree, especially once Lana tells Nattie her problem is that she wants to help everyone. What a tone-deaf human being.
Cameo of the week: Sami Zayn, who does not have an Instagram… because it’s vain. If he had an instagram maybe he would know that ska is dead.
ORCA ISLAND TRIP TALK: Dean is a homebody, and hella busy. Renee decides riding a whale is worth risking interrupting Braniel baby making. I am learning too much about ovulation… a one day trip to New York for Birdie Bee can apparently undo the entire process, because of reasons… Brie puts her hands on a pregnant lady’s tummy because she thinks it is the magic ball from Space Jam, I guess. This angle makes me wonder exactly HOW LONG it takes Bryan and Brie to have sex. I understand that the more you do it during an ovulation period, the higher your chances are to get pregnant. I’m not a math doctor, but I got ya. We’ve previously established that they like to light candles and take it slow, but sweet God, just get it in there. I really wish the show would have more fun with this plotline, rather than try to make us believe that Bryan and Brie might break up or back out on having children. Even if E! Isn’t already letting us know that Brie is now pregnant, I think even a casual viewer can see that this relationship is air tight.
The biggest takeaway from this week’s Total Divas for me is that Dean Ambrose is something from Disney… Renee sends him footage of baby deer, because he would freak out if he had the opportunity to be there with them, and Dean plans a romantic trip to Big Sur, I guess? This was a non issue, a non plot point. The show works very hard to make Renee a part of the show considering there is zero drama in her life, God bless her. In fact, calling Dean to say she wishes he were there is closest we get to any point of tension of Dean Disheveled Prince Charming Ambrose had a trip planned the whole time, so there we go. Really, the show should’ve stuck a camera with him, showing him planning the thing, or showing him 100% not having that planned and bold-faced lying to Renee and trying to put it all together quickly after she got off the phone.
Paige’s neck is still bothering her this episode, but we’ve dropped all content related to morale or her pushing people away. It’s strange to me that Total Divas hasn’t spent more time on this. It’s certainly ripe for the picking in the way of drama, but I don’t even think they’d need to be exploitive. They could do it with great respect to the struggle. Of course, this is part of a larger problem with the WWE: When a male athlete is injured, it is an episode of 24 and a serious part of their comeback, when a female athlete is injured it is fodder for Total Divas, or a spin-off, and irrelevant there and back on Raw or Smackdown, because there are boyfriends to talk about.
Best moment of the Orca Island Trip: We find Bryan alone in a garden, observing bugs, eating raw sweet corn, like Mose Schrute.
Stepdad Carrano: Really phoned it in this week
Renee’s Whale Dance: On Point
Quote of the Week: “I stole your princess, we’re getting it on,” Renee to Brie, after the cutest stick sword fight I’ve seen outside of elementary school
Next Week: Renee attempts to have fun, Lana cries, JJ remains the worst Bella
image credit – WWE
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