It is almost here, it’s just a few days away. Sure we lost the original main event but the Chad Mendes versus Conor McGregor grudge match is a nice substitute. In fact, for Conor haters, they should be more excited about this fight against the best wrestler in the division. We will also find out whether or not Conor can teabag Mendes or not.
For these picks I went a little different route. First, drawing inspiration from Aldo, I enter some X-File like sense-memory hypnotherapy treatment to channel my broken rib from years ago. I also took inspiration from Lyoto Machida and drank my urine for the last week. That led to my wife not wanting to kiss me but our cats would not stop licking my face. So, win for me.
I will also factor in tattoos, hairstyles, nicknames, who the fighters are or are not dating and you know, the important elements that make up a fighter.
As always, proceed with caution when using these picks for betting purposes.
Chad “Money” Mendes vs Conor McGregor
Mendes is in trouble in this one on so many levels. First, his hair is like some combination of a Moe from Three Stooges and Julius Cesar cut. To make matters worse, he has barely any tattoos compared to McGregor. In both the hair and MMA tattoo categories McGregor clearly has the advantages. Then you factor in Mendes’ nickname is “Money” and we know who is the King of Money in the featherweight division. That is right – “The Notorious” one.
Surrounding this fight is a lot of noise. I can sum up both sides quickly. Mendes-blah blah blah Wrestling blah blah blah blah. McGregor-blah blah blah greatest fighter ever the history of the world blah blah blah blah.
I give the advantage on short notice to McGregor because of his approach to his fights. He picks up timing and distance during a fight as fast as anyone in the UFC. He does not appear to have a hard and fast game plan but rather an approach to the fight that allows for him to flow with the fight. Mendes makes one mistake and goes night-night. McGregor’s fans dance as does Aldo’s while Dana and the UFC feel the relief one does after an arduous time on the toilet and we move forward with McGregor vs Aldo 1.2.
Prediction: McGregor via TKO round 1.
“Ruthless” Robbie Lawler vs Rory “Red King” MacDonald
First, “Red King” is why people should not be allowed to just give themselves nicknames. WTF is “Red King” and why should I care about him. If I have to research your nickname or you have to explain it something went wrong. You say “Red King” I think chess; Josh Waitzkin, Ben Kingsley and Lawrence Fishburne. When you say “Ruthless” I think better not fuck with that guy cause he is apparently ruthless.
Now, Rory bounces back strong with the hair though and his permanent resting-bitchface/Blue Steel look. The one that says I am ready for a night on the town but I am also ready to kick some ass.
Lawler counters with a big bald head that makes him look like something out of a comic book and a couple of menacing tattoos.
In their first fight, Rory essentially bored himself and sleep-walked through the fight while Robbie seemed content to not wake him. This one will be very different as the “Old Nasty” Rory is back. The last thing anyone in the welterweight division wants to face right now is a pissed off Rory. The problem is because his expression changes less than a mannequin’s you do not know which one you are getting until fight night.
Given that Rory has already lost once to Robbie I like him to get his revenge. Robbie was last submitted in 2009 and I look for that to change in this one.
Prediction: Rory via a submission in the fourth round.
Dennis “The Menace” Bermudez vs Jeremy “Lil’ Heathen” Stephens
A sick little fight here that people are not talking that much about, but lets face it, after about 17 bazillion words written and uttered about McGregor people do not have much left for anyone else.
Stephens will often win a fight you do not expect and then lose one that you think he should win. His foe opened a lot of eyes with his submission win over Clay Guida. Bermudez quickly closed them by losing to Ricardo Lamas in his next fight.
Despite the fact that Bermudez takes his nickname from a cartoon from a hundred years ago, he will use his wrestling to get the win. For the record his nickname should be Dennis “The Bermudez” Triangle and then he should finish all of his fights via the triangle.
Prediction: Bermudez via a UD
Gunnar “Gunni” Nelson vs Brandon “Rukus” Thatch
Whenever I hear Nelson’s nickname “Gunni” I think of Full Metal Jacket and Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, and when I hear Thatch’s “Rukus,” I of course think of the Wu Tang Clan. That does not bode well for Nelson as things did not end well for Hartman in the movie, and everybody knows that the Wu Tang Clan ain’t someone who you should mess with in a confrontational manner.
Thatch means violence in Icelandic so naturally Nelson will be cautious in this fight. Both fighters are coming off losses. The winner moves up the ladder the loser has to go hold the ladder for others to climb. Apparently there is a roof that needs fixing somewhere.
Hair is very similar in this one and no real advantage for either fighter. Thatch has the edge in tattoos and that could be the difference in the fight.
Prediction: Thatch via violent destruction. TKO.
Brad “One Punch” Pickett vs Thomas “Thominhas” Almeida
This is the easiest fight of the night to pick because apparently “One Punch” is one of those ironical type of nicknames. Since 2009 Pickett has seven wins in the WEC/UFC and only one of them is via KO. Pickett is an old fighter in search of a weight class. He struggled at bantamweight and moved down to flyweight proving that he can also struggle in that weight class.
While Almeida is the young gun with a lot of heat right now and the look of a future champion. He also has the look including the right haircut and tattoos. Apparently “Thominhas” is Brazilian for “old man is going to get his ass kicked.”
Prediction: Almeida is going to get the win via a submission in the first round.
Matt “The Immortal” Brown vs Tim “The Dirty Bird” Means
W T F!!! Seriously sick fight that almost no one is talking about except me. As this is one of my three favorite under the radar fights for this card, but to be honest every fight that is not the main event is under the radar on this card.
This fight has everything that you want in a great fight. There will be violence, nastiness, non-stop action and did I mention violence. Between these two fighters we have 43 wins with 37 of them coming by way of finish. Means has only lost once by TKO while Brown never has been stopped by strikes. This is FOTN candidate, a FOTY candidate and the perfect fight to lead into the PPV.
Two fighters who both go forward trying to finish the fight. If you have friends over who are new to the sport make sure they watch this fight.
Prediction: I want to pick Brown, easily one of my favorite fighters, yeah I just wrote it Brown is one of my favorite fighters. Big deal. I am human and I will not admit that I root for every fighter the same because it is not true. I just have a feeling about Means in this one though. There was a mental change after he was released by the UFC in 2013 and the move up to welter has proven to be brilliant. In the end “The Dirty Bird” dances. UD.
Mike “Quick” Swick vs Alex “The Dominican Nightmare” Garcia
Mike Swick has spent 32 months away from the octagon and is making his comeback against “The Dominican Nightmare.” I just don’t think that Swick will be quick enough to escape the nightmare that is about to happen.
Prediction: Garcia via UD.
Cathal Pendred vs John “Doomsday” Howard
At 2-6 in his last eight UFC fights with several underwhelming performances led by the one in his bro-fight with Uriah Hall, one wonders why Howard is still in the UFC. Then this fight was announced and apparently it is to be sacrificed to McGregor’s training partner, Cathal Pendred, who just finds a way to win.
If Howard is still in the UFC after the next round of cuts then we can assume he has compromising pictures of Dana, Lorenzo and Conor. The only question after this fight is who will be joining Howard on the next UFC cut-list.
Prediction: Pendred via what else, UD.
Cody “No Love” Garbrandt vs Henry “Bure” Briones
Garbrandt is part of the latest MMA power couple Caige ready to rule the octagon. Apparently, “Bures” means “No Chance” in Spanish and that it is his fate against “No Love” in this fight.
Prediction: Garbrandt via TKO in the second round.
Neil “2Tap” Seery vs Louis “Da Last Samurai” Smolka
I have done extensive research and can assert that Smolka is not the actual last samurai. I do know what kind of confusion he is trying to create. Maybe, that is his ploy to cloud people’s minds with confusion including his opponent’s. In fact Smolka is not even the last samurai in North America as that honor belongs to one Mr. Tom Cruise.
Seery counters with a nice little multilayered “2Tap” as he likes his submissions, he is famous for his ability to tap two kegs at the same time and can pound a nail in with just “two taps.”
Prediction: Seery smokes Smolka via a gritty SD.
Yosdenis “The Pink Panther” Cedeno vs Cody “The Fist” Pfister
Yosdenis Cedeno is going to start the card off by giving good old Goldie some problems. Cedeno also has a sweet little nickname in “The Pink Panther. Then you have “The Fist” for Cody Pfister which is intimidating. Also, a little Snapple Fun Fact, with the name Mr. Pfister, Cody already has his porn star name.
Outside of Kountermove players and Cedeno’s and Pfister’s family and friends, not many people realized this fight was on the card.
Prediction: Cedeno wins an exciting but slightly sloppy fight in front of an embarrassingly small crowd via UD.
image via UFC
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