There are always consistencies at UFC events, as well as mind numbing first experiences. If you go to a UFC, be prepared for a great show, as well as these 5 things that can’t be ignored.
1. Every guy thinks he’s a badass, until they see a pro fighter and turn into a Justin Bieber fan girl.
2. Some guy will be wearing an Affliction shirt that is so tight, you can see his heartbeat. 3. You will hear ‘sweep the leg’, ‘punch him in the face’, ‘get him a bodybag’, and ‘kick him in the balls’ at LEAST once per event.
4. The biggest douche in the arena (possibly the planet) will be right behind you.
5. A guy who thinks he is a professional MMA analyst will be speaking loud enough for everyone within 20 yards to hear him so he can show how smart he is.
With that said, this is my personal account of UFC Fight Night in San Diego. Let’s begin.
Myself, my son, Josh O’Neal and handsome Matt Doyle get to the event; as Lyman Good is fighting. We sit next to a guy wearing a Killer Cub Kevin Swanson hat and his buddy wearing a Conor McGregor hat.
“Sweep the leg!!!”
Kevin Casey is fighting. There is a guy 10 rows behind me who thinks he is cornering Kevin Casey, from 40 yards away. He shouted excellent advice like, “Yep, there you go!” He was almost as good as Buddy Clinton’s cornerman at KOTC, 10 years ago. “Come awwwn Buddy! Yeah Buddy! Come awwwn Buddy”. The guy with the McGregor hat is falling in and out of consciousness next to Josh.
A guy with an Affliction shirt so tight that you can see his heartbeat. takes his seat near us.
“Punch him in the face!” gets yelled out, when there is inactivity in the Casey fight.
It’s the Rani Yahya fight now, and there has been a half hour without incident.
*Loudest Whistle ever, 2 rows behind me* “Fight, you pussies!”
Right here, I am just going to say that this dickhead went on to do this every 30 seconds until ½ way through the Ferguson/Thomson fight. It’s too much to write every time he does this. Just know that he never stopped, he never shut up, and he’s lucky no one wanted to go to jail.
The main card is about to start and they play the Baba O’Reilly package and it reminds me why I like the sport of MMA. Of course, at this point my ears are bleeding because of super douche behind me.
“If Mendes had a full camp he would have beat McGregor’s ass”. This conversation begins around us. One of the guys is speaking loud enough for everyone within 20 yards to hear him.
My son and I go get food. 2 nachos and 2 small waters. $18. Prostitutes are cheaper… Or so I hear. They probably taste better too.
Dan Henderson walks into the building. The big buff badasses with the mad dog looks, turn into a bunch of tweens. Like a dog happy to see their owner, they pant like bitches and soil the rug.
He gets to his seat 20 mins later and I text him:
E: Jeez man. Dudes did everything but throw their underwear at you.
D: You know it. Draw anything good lately?
D: Or ever?
E: Such. A. Dick.
E: My buddy told me he is sorting your fan mail now. I told him to picture you in your underwear because of nerves, but you’d probably like that.
D: You probably told him to take a pic of me in my underwear and send it to you.
E: Yeah I did. Still have that Shogun vs you piece, if you want the original.
D: I’d love it.
E: Cool. Trade you the drawing for your underwear.
D: Deal. But, I don’t wear underwear.
McGregor hat next to Josh is still falling in and out of consciousness. It’s been a 3 hour Skrillex concert so far and this guy can’t keep his eyes open. The whistling and shit talking behind us continues. The humanity is a shit show.
Moontsari gets subbed by Lee and my son and I go to the bathroom. I have to go 1, he has to go 2. I go to the urinal to enjoy a nice pee-pee. Guy walks up next to me and starts pissing like he’s pushing a chainsaw out of his ass. He pushes so hard at the TOP of the urinal and is just staring straight at the wall. It’s sprinkling me and I lose it.
“You dumb motherfucker, you are pissing on me!” The whole bathroom erupts in laughter. I wash my hands in boiling water and bleach, then leave. I wait for my son to come out, but he doesn’t. So, I go back in. What do you want to hear when you are taking a shit in the old Sports Arena bathroom? “Jordan?!? Where you at?”
No answer. I wait outside. Nothing. My kid has been abducted. I start talking to myself. I’m still mad at the guy pissing like a fireman dousing flames and concerned my kid is ½ way to Mexico. I run into my boy James Law, who I haven’t seen for years! When I say ‘run into him’, I mean mumbling like a jerk to myself and him stopping me.
I go back to my seats and Jordan is there. The whistler has gotten so obnoxious, Jordan asks me to ‘take care of him’. My son wanted me to kill a man.
“Get him a bodybaaaaaggggggg!”
Despite being deaf, pissed on, and verbally berated by Dan Henderson, I am enjoying myself.
We get other people around us involved and begin filming and taking pics of McGregor hat guy, passing out. 2 skinny kids walk down the stairs with the Ireland flag around their shoulder. Not a whole lot of Irish guys on the card, except for maybe Kevin Casey.
Mike Tyson and Dana White show up and the place becomes unglued. Holly Holm fights and a small chant of ‘overrated’ begins. Ouch.
Drunk whistling racist leaves ½ way through Thomson/Ferguson and everyone is so happy, except for the guy slowly passing in and out.
Mir/Duffee was bananas. The place went crazy for that fight. The San Diego crowd was surprisingly good (sans the guy behind us). It’s safe to say that most of the UFC fans now are pretty hardcore MMA fans. No matter what type of event you go to, there will always be ‘that guy’ there. The difference is, in MMA ‘that guy’, is EVERY guy.
P.S. The Reebok gear is even more hideous in person. Especially bad for the corner-men. Orderly Kit Lee Cope. Paging Orderly Kit Cope.
Follow Evan on Twitter @shomanart
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