UFC Fight Night Berlin is the type of card that can be confusing to the average fan in today’s hectic MMA world. What with global expansion, fights happening almost around the clock from parts unknown. It is hard to keep up with all of the fighters as they come and go in the UFC. With more and more coming from all over the world it easy to get caught off-guard with a card like this one.
There are a lot of foreign sounding and looking names on this card. This would be dangerous if it were not on Fight Pass. If it were on TV that would mean Goldie could be working it and he might have an aneurism with a card like this one.
Now, with all of the foreign unknown fighters some people do a lot of research. They watch past fights on Fight Pass and You Tube of the fighters. They compare and contrast styles and make their picks.
This is different. I will use a complex system that will include, numerology, astrology, astronomy, bio-rhythms, nickname anagrams, VooDoo, Kung-Fu Movie Titles, snap-decisions, emotions and how likely Goldie is to mis-pronounce their name. All of this is done very quickly relying heavily on snap-judgments and tough looking tattoos. While Goldie will not be working the card, he still factors into the process.
Tie-breaker as always which nickname would kick the other nickname’s ass. Ultimate tie-breaker is whether they would be Rory MacDonald’s; victim, accomplice or accuser in a future murder.
Warning: Using these picks to bet will either make you look like a genius or a fool. There is no middle ground. Most likely a fool though and you will probably see your money leave your hands. Unless you bet on the internet. Then the money will just come out of an account somewhere. Which makes it almost not real, so bet away if you like.
Joanna Jedrzejczyk vs Jessica Penne
Neither fighter in this matchup has a nickname and this is a growing problem in today’s MMA. Now for Jedrzejczyk that does not matter. She is the champ, a badass one with a charming sense of humor, a nasty disposition in the octagon and is very engaging one outside of it.
Jedrzejczyk does not need a nickname. She just needs more exposure to be a star and fighting on Fight Pass in the early afternoon will do just that…err, sort of, maybe.
This will help her grow in Europe which is more important than the USA right now. Jedrzejczyk is just the type of fighter to draw people into the sport. She has a tough opponent in Penne but one that is a little too small.
See, Penne is an atomweight who moved up to get into the UFC. She is talented enough to hang with the top strawweights but at the championship level she will struggle. Right now Jedrzejczyk is the best in the division and she emphatically proves that in this fight. At some point she will land a strike of doom that will send Penne down to the canvas.
Prediction: Jedrzejczyk via TKO late in the fourth round.
Dennis Siver vs Tatsuya “The Crusher” Kawajiri
Here is a battle of two tough veteran fighters who only lose to top fighters. Meaning neither is quite a top fighter. Which makes me wonder if they can beat the other. They are both coming off of losses and the loser of this one could be on their way out.
In the past that would have meant a battle as they both fought to stay in the UFC. Under the guidelines of the Reebok deal both fighters might actually benefit by fighting for Bellator. That could lead to a lackluster fight as each fighter tries to get cut.
At some point instincts will kick in and then look for “The Crusher” to start crushing. He has apparently been crushing it in the gym based on his recent pictures. In a strange twist do not be surprised if when the fight is over if the loser of the fight is smiling while the winner is upset.
Siver’s best chance at winning this fight is to land some spinning shit, which he likes to throw. In fact that should be his nickname Dennis “Spinning Shit” Siver. His opponents all know he is going to spin so he should just own it.
Prediction: “The Crusher” takes out ‘Spinning Shit’ Siver when Siver falls into a guillotine choke in the first round.
Peter Sobotta vs Steven “The Steamrolla” Kennedy
This is Sobotta’s second stint in the UFC. He is also amongst the nicknameless but he does sound like he could be a character on the second season of The Wire.
Kennedy comes in with the nickname of “Steamrolla” and according to his UFC page it is pronounced “Steam-holla” as it was a very Brazilian BJJ coach who gave him the nickname. He got it due to his flattening his opponents. So apparently “Steamrolla” is Brazilian* for ‘iron so steamy it flattens everything.’ I like his chances to flatten-out the favorite Sobotta in this one.
Prediction: Kennedy via a double-jab right-cross combo leading to a TKO via ground-and-pound in the second round.
*I know they do not speak Brazilian in Brazil, but they should. It is hard for the world to take you seriously if you do not at least have your own language. Look at American at first we spoke English and now we speak ‘Murican’ and so Brazil needs to form their own language.
It would be good for them to have something positive after dealing with the bane of the Olympics. It will take years to recover economically and it could lead to the majority of the country becoming a favela.
If it does then look for SuperCalo to emerge as the new leader of the Brazil. A man from the favela and a man for the people of the favelas, if you think that is crazy consider we could have Donald Trump leading this one.
Nick “Sergeant” Hein vs Lukasz “Wookie” Sajewski
Now this is battle of some seriously sweet nicknames. “Sergeant” Hein is a former police officer who quit that job to pursue his UFC dreams. He is also sole born-and-raised German on this card. This means he is representing the whole country against ‘Wookie’ Sajewski.
Normally this would be an easy fight to pick. A “Sergeant” with the weight of a country on his shoulders facing a “Wookie”? That seems like an easy pick to make as a “Wookie” is a formidable creature but this is a different “Wookie” than the Star Wars one.
Apparently this particular spelling of “Wookie” with the double E and proceeding a last name starting with the letters Saje. Then it is a mythological creature who lives inside the bark of Beechwood trees who eats dreams of people who sit under the tree. Since there will be no trees in the octagon the “Sergeant” will be safe.
Prediction: ‘Sergeant’ Hein via UD.
Makwan “Mr. Finland” Amirkhani vs Masio Fullen
One you notice right away is that Fullen must have pissed Dana White or somebody important. Otherwise, it is hard to explain why the man from Mexico did not fight in Mexico last week. Instead he finds himself fighting halfway around the world in Berlin against ‘Mr. Finland.’
When we last saw “Mr. Finland” he was quickly TKO’ing Andy Ogle with a flying-knee and punches. Amirkhani then went on to charm the fans in his post-fight interviews.
This leads me to the conclusion that Fullen has been brought in as a sacrificial lamb for ‘Mr. Finland.’ Since, Fullen will be looking for a flying-knee, look for “Mr. Finland” to instead bring a spinning-back kick. Leading to another exciting finish for “Mr. Finland.”
Prediction: ‘Mr. Finland’ via a first round KO by a spinning-back kick.
Mairbek “Beckan” Taisumov vs Alan Patrick
The is the first fight in the renewal of the MMA war between Russia with the Sambo against Brazil and their Jiujitsu. The ultimate fight will be between Arlovski and Werdum as ‘The Pit Bull’ tries to avenge Fedor’s loss. While at the same time Werdum will try to avenge his loss to Arlovski. There will be vengeance in that fight.
However, that has nothing to do with this fight here. When we last saw Patrick in the UFC he lost a fight to John Makdessi but since Makdessi owed the judges some apparel money they gave the fight to Patrick.
He will now return the favor and give this fight to “Beckan” which is Russian for Lycan. Since Taisumov is a werewolf and this is on a full-moon it all adds up to an easy win for the hairy-faced one.
Prediction: Taisumov puts the first loss on Patrick’s professional MMA record via a first round TKO.
Alan Omer vs Arnold “Almighty” Allen
This is a grudge match to decide which is the correct spelling of Alan/Allen and it has been a long time coming. These two have eyed each other over the years, salivating at the opportunity of fighting the other to assert their own version of Allen/Alan dominance over the other. This rivalry, this bitterness is as deep as the BJJ vs Luta Livre, Shamrock vs Tito, Dana vs Tito or the Patriots vs the rules of the NFL ones were at their peaks.
After closely looking at their two respective pictures on the UFC page for this fight I have reached the conclusion that “Almighty” looks tougher and more pissed off. Therefore I have to pick him in this fight. He is younger, hungrier and tired of living in the shadow of Alan.
Prediction: Allen via a RNC in the first round after hurting Alan with a knee to the liver.
Niklas Backstrom vs Noad “Neo” Lahat
Someone’s one is about to be done and I do not think it will be “Neo’s”. Again we see a fighter in Backstrom who has chosen to remain nicknameless and now he is taking on a fighter with a strong one. This is not good for him.
Maybe if Backstrom had chosen a nickname like “Jedi” he might have a chance against “Neo” but alas he did not. That will spell his demise in this fight. It also does not help that auto-correct does not like his last name and keeps trying to change it to backstroke.
Preditction: ‘Neo’ Lahat via a UD.
Scott Askham vs Antonio “Junior Alpha” dos Santos
This is a battle of fighters who lost their UFC’s debuts and willing be looking to make a good second impression after their not so good first ones. Normally, I lean towards the fighter with the nickname when their opponent does not have one but in this case I am going with Askham.
If your last name is dos Santos, you are from Brazil and you choose “Junior Alpha” as your nickname, then you better bring some thunder with you. Instead of bringing the thunder dos Santos hurt his hand.
Prediction: Askham via second round TKO.
Piotr “Pletwal” Hallman vs Magomed Mustafaev
This is an intriguing matchup. Mustafaev is making his UFC debut and is Russian. We have learned over the years that the Russian fighters are very good. Not only is Mustafaev a Russian himself but he has also defeat many Russians. Which means is himself is an excellent fighter and very tough. Being Russian he has likely wrestled several bears during his youth. He will need that experience when he takes on Hallman.
“Pletwal” is Polish for a Platypus like creature that is composed of elements of a bear, a duck, and a dachshund. It is also Polish for bad wrestler. In his last fight he was taken down five times by Gleison Tibau who is Brazilian. We all know that Brazilian’s are not as good as wrestlers as Russians. Especially, a Russian like Mustafaev who wrestled bears on his way to and from school.
Prediction: Mustafaev via a UD by taking Hallman down repeatedly during the fight.
Taylor “Double Impact” Lapilus vs Ulka Sasaki
If Lapilus’ nickname was derived from his ability to strike twice with one blow then I could pick him in this fight. However, his nickname comes from the JVD movie which his parents where watching when he was conceived.
This very early exposure to JVD led Lapilus to a career as a mixed martial artist but it also led to him often coming up just short on his strikes. Fortunately for him he has fought much of his career in France so this has not hurt him too much. It will catch up with him in this fight.
For he is facing a formidable opponent in Sasaki who is so bad he is able to go by his nickname in “Ulka.” Both are strong grapplers but Sasaki has shown a little more power.
Prediction: Sasaki via a second round TKO.
As always use these predictions at your own risk and enjoy the fights.
image via UFC.com
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